My failed blogger career started in 2013. When I told my close friends I wanted to gain many many many "followers" (on Instagram that is). So I started it... gained a couple thousands, then scrapped that all up - deleted the account and went private. Over the next few years, I did the same thing. Went public, something happened, made me not like it anymore, went private. Until recently where I've had the most followers I've ever had, like ever... 17K (Yeah that K next to the 17 was quite the big deal). And again, I did the same, deleted that account.
And here I am starting over. Every time I told my friends "I'm going public again." They all said (I'm not kidding, each and every one of them said this) "Babe... seriously? Be consistent."
And it's that specific word "consistency", the discipline that I lacked of, the word that made my vibrations go nuts, the trait I could never really master. I related it to the word "serious" way too much. Instead of hearing "be consistent", I heard "be serious about it this time." I didn't want them to think I didn't want this bad, because I did, I wanted it, really bad. I wanted to be followed... but why? For all the wrong reasons.
My blogging had no structure, it had no meaning, it had no consistency, like the one that separates oil from water, not the one that didn't give me any credibility. I was confused as to why I didn't get support, but support isn't what I needed, failed attempts were what I needed to drive me to do something that meant more than just being recognised or accepted or liked. I needed failed attempts at this blogging experience to know how much really I wanted it.
That's how you came about. You, my first real project, my first own project, the one that I complete every time I create a piece of content and publish it on you, you, the you, that's me. The one that I will never complete, because let's be real, everyone who knows me, knows I am amazing at starting things but awful at finishing them. "She's so talented but she's wasting it away," "Unfortunately, she's not serious enough," "It's a shame she could've been amazing at it,". Well guess what friends, those who didn't get me, those who didn't see it in me, those who didn't understand the process of creating a masterpiece... I'll never finish this, and I feel so good about it.
There's so much comfort in knowing that for the first time, I am confident giving a piece of myself that I will proof every time before I click on the 'publish' button. So much comfort in knowing that I am perfect in my imperfections. So much comfort in knowing that unlike my life, I can come back and edit this as much as I want, and as much as needed. So much comfort in knowing that, I might even delete this entire thing, and that's ok. So much comfort knowing that this website is the authentic me, not the one my ex boyfriends have tried to mold me into, not the one my old friends tried to persuade me into becoming, not the one that could be so easily manipulated and still have the audacity to say "I'm real".
This is a blog made by the one that's been broken and who's eager to share those experiences with her audience. This has been made by the one who's accepting of the fact that she has so many fears she's working through. By the Wissame that doesn't care to cry in front of anybody anymore because there is nothing more soulful than emotions. The girl that's really just a girl in an Instagram world and not trying to be just another Instagram girl anymore. The one that cares about herself more than what others are thinking, but will still admit that people's opinions can bother her on a cloudy day. The one that accepts that she will never find herself in the end, but rather live in the now, in this infinite journey in hopes that it never ends.
It's here now and I've never felt so much comfort knowing that this will be something that I will never finish, something that will never be perfect, something that I will never have complete control over... and it's okay (my control freak mind is still having a hard time with this, and that's okay too).
This will be an everlasting blog... (to be sung like Natalie Cole's 'This Will Be').
Love always, all ways